As I was walking with a client the other day, we were discussing the obstacles to her weight loss success, and she openly shared with me how she is not able to remain focused on her goal when her husband suggests a meal out, or worse, decides to cook for the family-- which usually means a very rich and fat-filled meal.

When I told her that it was her job to ensure the health of her family and reminded her how she, her husband, and her two children were overweight-to-obese and possibly headed for trouble, she said "Yes, but I was raised not to be selfish. Imposing my desires on them in such a way that upsets them means that I'm being selfish."

Wow. Interesting perspective. But wholely incorrect. I replied, "If that is the mind set that is holding you back, let me suggest the complete opposite as being true. If you continue to allow yourself and your family to eat what is wanted, when it is wanted, at the portion sizes that are wanted and as often as is wanted, and you do nothing to remedy the situation, it seems to me that you are selfishly holding on to behaviors that are dangerous to your health and that the only responsible and unselfish course of action to take is to incorporate healthy practices that are uncomfortable for everyone to begin with, but that end up changing each person's life in a meaningful and positive way."

Addicts and people who are immersed in practices that are destructive are quite able to develop mindsets that validate their behavior as being correct and helpful. As a health professional, it is my job to obliterate those thoughts-turned-behaviors as I see them and to introduce the truly meaningful.

Interestingly, last night I was reading "The Fat Flush Plan," book which another client gave me to look through and it opens with a quote from "The Woman's Comfort Book":

"Self -care is essential to survival, it is essential as the basis for healthy authentic relationships, it is essential if we honestly want to nurture the people we care about. Self-care is not selfish or self-indulgent. We cannot nurture others from a dry well. We need to take care of our own needs first, then we can give from our surplus, our abundance. When we nurture others from a place of fullness, we feel renewed instead of taken advantage of. And they feel renewed too, instead of guilty. We have something precious to give others when we have been comforting and caring for ourselves and building up self-love."

As I read it, I realized that this message still has not established itself in our United States. We as women are trained somehow to give and give and give until it hurts, and some mothers have learned, somehow, that to upset the children or to upset the husband means that we are not doing a good job.

My husband, who is very strong and has his own ideas and life, knows that I take my job of ensuring his health seriously and that there is no working against me in it. If he takes a step out of line, I say, "You promised to spend the rest of your life with me and later to do everything in your power to ensure your good health...what are you doing? Do you want us to suffer later? Do you want me to have to care for you in your sick bed? Do you want to leave me to grow old alone? Now put that...down and heat up this bowl of vegetables (or whatever the situation is). And he obliges me because he knows that I love him and that I am fighting the good fight for our good health and vibrant future.

That is how we as women need to be in our families. We need to love ourselves enough to decide to do what is necessary to have and give strength and then we have to love our families and our futures enough to decide to strictly enforce the family's healthy behaviors.. Period. Anything less is selfish as we decide to indulge our indulgences and the unhealthy indulgences of our families.

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